"Strumming my pain with his fingers, Singing my life with his words, Killing me softly with his song, killing me softly,With his song telling my whole life With his words, Killing me softly,With his song"
Recently re-discovered that song...its amazing...
It really is weird how like at one part .."I felt all flushed with fever, Embarrassed by the crowd, I felt he found my letters then read each one out loud. I prayed that he would finish, But he just kept right on-"....
Isnt it weird how other people can read right into you. Yet sometimes you feel they can read you better than you can read yourself...
Your brain seems to be one person, the rest of you another. All in a state of confusion and not knowing what to do..
I shame myself for not writing on this thing more often. I had this huge post i was going to do but i completely forgot what I was going to write.
My life has taken a new, interesting turn to say the least for this semester. Quite a lot changed I'm not going to lie. I feel like my brain is trying to write me a letter asking, "what are you doing? Do you know what you are doing?'
I have no fucking idea what I'm doing..
I've been running into my past a lot lately, like face to face. Its weird to think how much I have changed. But I am a person with a past, the more i look at it the more I realize what Kind of shit I had to deal with. Not the worst shit, but there was shit. I had my happy moments my good memories I can't forget but everything was so much simplier than. I had everyone, there was everything I needed right in front of my face and I never craved more. It is really weird how odd things keep happening to. I don't know. Like I said I had this idea but it is long gone.
Strumming my pain....
Oh..How so much can do that. Day after day goes by and it feels like the same thing with each ticking moment.Sometimes its hard to handle certain things, certain events, certain people. Sometimes its hard to handle yourself. That disconnection between self and mind is ridiculous. If only yourself knew what the fuck you were doing and was actually able guiding you in the right path. So much of my past still lives inside of me; my thoughts, my actions, my mood swings. I fall apart, im human, I swear I'm human.
Ever just feel a part of yourself just..kinda leave...
Whether for awhile or only for a bit you ever so slightly feel, "I'm not myself." Disconnection. Why is there so much disconnection in life. Your heart wants one thing, your mind another, your body another. Everything is pulling in so many directions..
Confusion..Confusion....
Chaos..Destruction...
Self destruction.Slowly.That ticking away at you once again. Fuck. I sound emo. I cant control my emotions right now. They want to flow like nothing else. My body feels tense. It has an urge to let go.
It was maybe two weeks ago I slipped into a very sad state. I started crying, for something I want but I probably won't get. or something, no wait, it was because I was happy but sad. A friend knew, I got a phone call. I couldn't explain mainly. But afterwards I sat and cried. not hardcore, just ever so slightly. a release. once and awhile ill cry myself to sleep. Its hard to handle some shit.
These deep "confessionals" go on. Its weird digging into my past. I dont like it. It wasnt exactly rainbows and lollipops..I feel like I'm old, mentally, life experience-ish wise. But im young.. im barely going anywhere right now. Im not doing much with my life. Things take a path you never expected. I don't even know what I want anymore. I mean, I have this image; Well, okay. I was never a girl to dream about my wedding and all that bullshit. I Dreamt of meeting THE guy, marrying [not much detail on that] having a nice home, two kids, and my job. and everyting was fine. Like for once my life was normal. Everything seems so out of reach. All this stuff im doing in college to prepare to become a teacher and it all feels so outta reach, a place I have no idea how to get to. Well I have guidance but, getting this old just never felt like an option. Dealing with this shit, even within the last half hour, never seemed like an option. Changing..discovering..No..it was a plan..
But its all disconnected.
Feeling disconnected from your own life is something everthing goes through I suppose. I feel like I've been going through this for too long. Others are out there hurting, I'm not the worse off, I just thought I wouldn't be the one to have experienced certain things, to follow certain roads.
Someone reconnect me.
