Time To Move Forward?

I'm making a move.
I doubt anyone reads this anymore anyway.
I'm trying out a new blog site for awhile.
I may be back. I may use both.
This one may be used to post my story on (if i ever write on that).
If any soul happens to come across this you are more than welcome to join in on my thoughts once again; I know its been awhile.

http://truthlieslife.tumblr.com/

Just Let Me Vent.

This is a vent session; that is exactly what it is meant to be. I'm going to write and see where I end up, see what conclusion I come or do not come to.

I hate the way I desire to be something more.

I wish I never had let go of my passion for dancing; it is still there and I'm doing nothing about it.

Why?I see the skills other people have...I feel I could never have that back again;maybe I never had it.

I wish my hair cooperated,or that it fell in the right place.Even if I knew how to do something with it..

I just wish I could leave it down and have it look okay, like it seems every other girl can no matter what.

I wish I could fill shirts out, that my chest was bigger, that things looked nicer on me.

There are just some things you need boobs to wear and I want to be able to wear them.

I wish I knew how to do my make-up. My Theory is:The darker the eyeliner and mascara, the better.

That is only because it is the only thing I know how to do, and I'm pretty sure I don't even do that correctly.

I wish I had some sort of style,and knew how to dress myself correctly.

Sometimes I'm glad I work almost everyday, I don't have to put thought into what I wear.

I also wish, I had better legs; sure I have toned calves and crap, but they arn't long and smooth or "sexy"

I wish I could put on a dress or a skirt and heels && have no one think its weird.

I feel as though I should be wearing a dress now and again,but it just doesn't seem right anytime.

I just want the legs that would look good in a skirt or shorts.

I wish I could look in the mirror and feel like I'm pretty.

Without having to straighten my hair and try to put on some false state of being before feeling any sense of self esteem...

I guess basically I just wish I was ... more of a girl.I wish..

I wish I would be a girl the others girl look at and go

"Damn, I wish I had her outfit...hair...boobs...body..." anything of that sort..

I wish I was something to look at,something more than average..

I wish I was something to be envious of rather than the girl envying the other.

Goodbye To Self

Have you ever felt like you have lost a part of yourself?
That everyone around you is constantly judging you, and you are not really sure who you can trust anymore?
Who's words you can actually believe, and stay away from those who are just looking for more evidence to further accusations they already have?
It really sucks when they think they know the truth, but they really don't.
How people assume they know you because of how they perceive you, but the truth is you barely know the truth anymore; you barely know yourself anymore.
Things happen...shit happens.
The people around you come and go, and sometimes the ones you wish were able to stay by your side faithfully, will end up leaving you.
I'm not a perfect person, I'm not saying that at all.
I have made my mistake and I deal with it, on a daily basis.
I.Am.The.One.Who.Deals.With.It.Its.My.Life.Not.Theirs.
Let me live.
Let me feel as though I can continue on my life without being talked about behind my back. Take my good over my bad, theres more of it, atleast i hope there is.
Somewhere along the way I lost myself. My inner being gave into temptations that normally my personality would stray away from.
I know the reasons for why I do some of the things I do, no one else does. I dont think I want them to know.
If people choose to judge me, so be it.
I could care less. I'd rather them tell me the truth though.
Don't like me? Fine. Tell me. So i can stop wasting my breath on your existence.
Those who are the closest to me, this has no aim to them what so ever. Its other people, people who won't even know its them. only i do.
Im only human, I fuck up. Just seems more than others sometimes, or atleast it is made out to make me look like the bad guy.
Fuck it.
One week left of school. Where I can completely make my problems disappear and 'play pretend'
then go home this summer and live my life the way I want, freely.
And come back in the fall, a changed person.
Not for them.
For Me.

Story Cont.

This is a continuation of my story. If you do not remember were i left off, go back to Nov. 2009 and re-read my repost :]

That last word hit with the last drop of smoke being exhaled from my mouth. I gave a slight cough and passed it back to Danny, leaning back into the seat and letting the music take me slowly away. The pattern continues by habit and it feels as thought I’m not truly living at that moment. It’s the slow motion, the blur, the movements without really existing inside the body you are presented with. The next thing that knocked me into reality was opening the car door and my foot hitting the ground. The air seemed cooler, more crisp and the sun was not as harsh on my eyes anymore as it was soon turning into night.
My eyes gazed up at the moon as I reached into my pocket and pulled out my box of another habit I had picked up as my time at college went on. The smooth cigarette felt habitual against my finger tips and lips as my lighter lit the end. A puff of smoke floated right in Danny’s direction as I turned my head,
“So, can I get one of those?” he inquired.
Normally my instinct would be to talk some shit and harass him about it but I held mine tightly in my lips and tossed one in his direction. I turned forward once against and started heading for the building and sat myself down in the wooden chair outside that let smokers slowly damage themselves in comfort. I sank lower into the chair and the slight chill set my body into a bubbly type of feeling; like floating on a cloud. My eyes locked with the smoke coming off of my cigarette and they followed it up in each intertwining position.
My mind always had this habit of traveling off into some direction, wherever it wanted. Sometimes the beat of the music would engulf every being of my body; sometimes my eye would catch one aspect of light or smoke and be taken in by its superior simple beauty. There were other times, however, where my mind just wandered if there was nothing but the beat of the music and the silence between friends. I always felt my mind was on this level where no one really understood; sometimes I just felt my thinking was just something potheads were not suppose to do. I sometimes wondered why no one ever called me out on my blank stares and sudden quietness that arose from within; but no one ever did. I think sometimes they understood. Danny understood that I needed an escape here and again, then again I felt he was somewhere on the same page of me of having a constant pressure on him, I just was not sure where his was coming from.
“Its crazy isn’t it?”
I heard his voice lingering in my head without any aspiration to answer or even try to figure out what he was referring to. Then my eyes linked with the lingering long ash that held its place on the tip of my cigarette. I panicky ashed out the window.
“The way your body will sort of. Melt…to the waves of the music. The way your body reacts to different sounds. Different words. It is just like different ocean waves you are riding or something.”
I couldn’t help but to crack a small smile and give out a pity laugh, although that sentence was hysterical in its own personal-level sort of way.
“Seriously Danny, you are out of control.”
I took one last drag of my cigarette and tossed it into the grass that was starting to finally grow back, preparing myself to get back to the everyday school scene and deal with whatever scenarios that may come my way. We sat there in silence just letting the cool breeze hit our face and bring us a sense of reality, always being afraid to be the first to end the night. I could tell by the way Danny focused on a random person walking up the sidewalk that he was itching to go back to his room and mess with some sort of technology.
“I guess I really should go to bed,” I finally spoken, adding a sense of relief to the situation. I knew that Danny had no idea if I was ready to go back in yet, due to the state that he found me in. Usually at these kinds of times Danny allows me to make the judgment calls on when he actually ventured back in and I had to deal with roommates and the sense of living.
When I got back to the room the door was locked and I wrestled in my pocket for the key, trying not to make a lot of noise. I opened the door and gazed upon and very vacant living room. When I peered around no one seemed to be there; it always seemed I was never in the room and when I was no one else was around. I really did not mind it though, if no one was there, there was no one to ask me how my day was or how I am doing. I wouldn’t have to lie. I changed into comfortable clothing and sat down upon my bed, forcing the window open more than how we are suppose to have it, and placed a cigarette to my lips. These dorm buildings were non-smoking of course, but that did not stop me late at night when no one was around to give a shit.
The feeling that I receive when I’m high is one that can lead me in many directions, depending on what I’m doing or who I’m with. At this particular moment in time, I was alone, in the dark, smoking myself to an early death, just hoping for some new light to shine on me. The only light that shown on me at that particular moment was the moon’s beam shining through my window and reflecting off of the razor blade I had set beside me. I put my cigarette between my lips, smoke flying past my eyes as my right hand extended out to grab the razor blade and my left hand to lift my shirt, to lower my pants.
As the sharp edge of the blade touched upon my already scarred side, the cooling sensation sent a chill throughout my body. When the final pressure came I inhaled on my cigarette and released the inhale about the same time I seen that first drop of blood start to make its way out of my body. I grabbed a rag and lined the side of my pants with it to catch any mess that may occur. One release was not enough. Once again I took a deep drag of sweet nicotine and released the sweet sensation of letting go. Cutting myself was obviously not an attempt at suicide; cutting my side wouldn’t do that. Cutting myself was another form of release, another form of letting go and leaving some of that pain behind. I put pressure upon my side with the rag and laid in the moonlight observing what little stars you could really see. I blew the smoke of my last drag out the window, extinguished what little flame there was left and moved my blade of serenity out of the way. I drifted off to a happy place, at least I hope it’s happy, with my hand on my side and my breathing steadied.
The time kept clicking away even though my existence seemed to be at a halt for some time while my mind wandered a sleeping path. This was until I heard the door open and Jen turn on the bathroom light to guide her around the room. She was always so courteous when coming in if I was already asleep. I kept my eyes shut but I felt her body coming towards me and seen a faint shadow over my eyes. She grabbed the blade that was covered in blood from my desk, removed the bloody rag from the little grip I had on it and moved the ash try out of my kicking distance. I heard the water running and I peeked to see her rinsing the rag as well before adding it to the laundry pile. Nothing was said, she did not wake me and I knew my side was exposed as I felt the wind hit gently against my open my skin.
My heart pounded, but soon enough the light was gone and Jen made her way to bed without probably a judgment upon me. I was finally able to send myself back to sleep once I heard Jen’s faint snoring in the background. I guess it was a sense of reassurance that I would not be further interrogated on the events that had taken place while Jen was out of the room. That morning I awoke with only one class to attend that I was surely to go through mindlessly. I rolled over and let out a groan as I seen Jen floating around the room getting ready for the day. I ran my hand down my side and felt the dried blood upon my skin; I pulled my shirt down to hide what Jen already knew had happened. When I sat up she looked at me and smiled, saying good morning as she would any other day and continued on. I thought about her cleaning up my blade, my rag and my ash tray again. It was almost as if Jen was trying to clean up my misery for me. As if she was trying to take all the pain that I have and inflict upon myself and move it out of my life. It kind of felt as if the process of me storing some events in the back of my mind to not remember was the same as Jen moving my evidence of what had happened out of eye sight for the morning. If only other aspects of life were this easy; but they weren’t. Jen grabbed a granola bar and made her way onto her class, I grabbed a Pepsi left over from the night before and took a swig of that; morning cotton mouth was always a reminder that you were not yourself last night. I got up and slowly maneuvered my body to the shower, slowly stripping with each step I took.
“At least no blood got on my shirt this time,” I thought as I removed it from my body.
The water hit me hard when I finally stepped inside. My hand was against the wall, with my head down, the hot water running its course down my body. Standing in the shower my thoughts were non-existent, it was if I was not really living at that moment. Perhaps it was too early in my day to send me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I began to wash my body, and that was when reality finally set in. I looked down and seen a blood drop falling from the freshly cut skin, my eyes trailing down my stomach, my thigh, my calf, finally hitting the shower floor; being followed by other droplets behind it. The swirling of the water combined with my blood sending me into a circular oblivion of every other time I was standing in this same position, gazing down at the same situation I had encountered before. This time, however, it felt different for some reason. Jen has found me before, laying helplessly asleep, bleeding from some part of my body, and has cleaned me up or at least cleaned my mess up. Last night though, I actually saw her do it. I actually seen her try and remove my mistakes for me, and I was not sure how to react to that because here I was staring at the obvious evidence that it happened.
After my shower I proceeded to clean my cuts and cover them up, just because I was destructive did not mean I was an idiot on keeping them from getting infected. I continued on with my day as if everything was normal, taking sweet care in drying and straightening my hair, applying eyeliner and throwing on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I grabbed my books that I needed and slung my bag over my shoulder, beginning my walk towards the main building. English Class. We were discussing the history of language and a bunch of other shit I didn’t care about. I sat mindlessly, sketching on my notebook in the back of the class. Sometimes my mind just wanders and my pencil will follow in its footsteps, creating an image that came from some inner thought I suppose. I started to draw lines and add shading and before I knew it I was drawing a girl. This would have been fine except I drew her curled up in a corner, as if she was trying to hide from something, from someone. Suddenly I could hear the hand on the clock tick by so loudly, with every line I drew, there came the loud sound of the pencil moving around the paper. I was so focused in I couldn’t even hear the monotone voice of the teacher trying to sling its educational value at me. This was until the girl next to me put her bag on the table and poked my shoulder.
“Jade, Class is over. You can go now,” she laughed, “Not like you were even really here this class anyway.”
Seems to be that lately I’m here but not really. I gestured that I knew well enough that class was over and stuffed my notebook into my bag. I looked at the clock, it was already late evening and I had not eaten anything yet all day. This is what I get for sleeping in so late, but I made my schedule that way so I wouldn’t have to face the world at a normal hour like everyone else. By time I actually get motivated and go to class sometimes half my day can be wasted; the way that I like it. I decided I would step outside for a cigarette than go back in and actually grab something to devour. I stepped out onto the front steps of the building, pulled out a cigarette and began looking for my lighter. Shit. I left my lighter on my desk. Just as I was about to give up hope on actually smoking I heard an unfamiliar voice.
“Need a light?”
I turned my head to the right, smiled and replied, “Yeah, my dumbass left my lighter in the room. Just my luck ya know.”
She flipped open her zippo and held it up for to me to ignite my cigarette. I had never seen her before and I’m quite sad I hadn’t, she was gorgeous. Her nails were painted black to match every aspect of mysterious, hard outer appearance. She dressed as if she couldn’t care less, yet still made a very good impression. She wore ripped jeans, and what seemed to look like an old boy scout shirt, or perhaps girl scout shirt, with a belt buckle that made quite a statement. Her hair was almost black with red running randomly throughout it, up in a messy yet “done” sort of way. Her body would make any woman jealous with her chest almost popping out from the buttons on the shirt that attempted to hold her in. When she lifted her arm I could see that her belly button was pierced and her hips hung out slightly from her jeans. She was built like an hour glass, a perfect hour glass whose time I would follow regardless. We sat there mainly in silence, only making small talk, but I knew she was not a small talk kind of girl. Then a girl from my class walked up and started talking to me about some assignment, distracting me from the girl who had lit my cigarette. By the time I went to turn around to say something to her, she was gone. I’m not sure when she left, or where she went; all I knew was that I was angry at myself for not asking her name. I threw my cigarette down and dug it into the cement with my heel and started to make my way to get food.
When I finally walked into the cafeteria my eyes laid upon a certain boy who struck a thought: I wonder if he notices me. I continue to walk past him and casually glimpse at him out of the corner of my eye just like any other day. From what I tell he doesn’t even look at me; perhaps he hides it like I do, a casual, nonchalant glance, no harm in that; or at least makes it seem that way. He knows he can’t look directly at me; they’ll know; everything will be exposed. I mean even if he did gaze upon me I don’t think he would see the truth. He wouldn’t know that I barely remember what happened that night, how much my insides turn in a knot anytime I see his face, how my breathing increases and my heart pounds practically out of my chest. Why would he though? We were both high, I’m always high, but I haven’t been on that sort of level in awhile, not to where I can’t remember. Then again maybe I can recall that night, maybe I remember every detail; I just choose not to.
Perhaps my mindset has become to ignore all these actions, my free-will and free love has taken over when enhanced by drugs, yet at the same time the free-will allows itself to hold back everything that would only further pursue the pain that is twisted inside me. No one can know, I mean some know a little, but not a lot, not everything. This is probably because not even I know…remember everything. It would be an overload when these images or actions are face to face with me, talked about or other. I pretend in my mind its someone else, it didn’t happen to me, if I can’t remember it’s obsolete. Deep down I am aware that it is about me, but for once I wish I was hearing someone else’s story of truth rather than my own, maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much. Maybe then I’d be okay, I wouldn’t immerse myself in smoke, maybe I wouldn’t feel like I hate myself.
This entire process engulfed my mind so quickly, until I see someone drop their books in front of me. I bent down to help them and when I came up my eyes were directly locked with his. For those few moments they were locked I felt like I couldn’t disconnect, like he was staring into the black oblivion my eyes, just trying to see, trying to understand. He looked as if he wanted to say something but I broke away before I gave him a chance to flash me a reminder of something I barely recall happening.
I fled the cafeteria, I’m not sure why, it’s not like he would do anything, but I almost ran. I was not sure if it was because I was running from him or because I was trying to get away from myself.
The stall door slammed so loud in my ears; it wasn’t normal. When the lock hit it set off something to where my breathing was panicked and my mind seemed as if it was spinning in one giant circle. My hand hit the wall to keep my balanced as my body sunk down along the stall wall, along with the closing of my eyes. I need to gather myself.
“I need help,” I spoke out loud.
I wasn’t sure how loud I said it, who heard it, or who I had intended to hear to me. Perhaps I was trying to tell myself, to get myself to listen. I won’t. I can’t I can’t accept this reality. But, how long can I really run?
Finally, I heard foreign foot steps, my breathing slowed down and I touched my hand to my face and wiped away the cold tears I didn’t even know had made a mark on my cheek.
“Get it together,” I spoke again only to myself and ventured out back into reality that I run through each day. I can’t be alone, I need to get Danny. I need that retreat back within myself, I need not to accept anything that just happened, I need to not accept any past events, and I need not to remember.
I walked outside as the sun was setting and made my way back to the dorm building. I seen Danny embraced by a cloud of cigarette smoke and a body I have never seen before, then again Danny was always gaining new friends. As I got closer I glanced over his new friends; ripped jeans, black hoodie, medium length dark hair, a few piercings and a few tattoos. The cigarette smoke gently poured out as he sent a small grin my way and gave me the same glance over.
“Hey Jade, been looking for you. I want you to meet from my friend Nick. He invited us to party tonight; picked up some good shit that will rock your mind,” Danny spoke to me in that normal excited voice.
Rock my mind? Could my mind be put into a greater whirlwind than what I had already been experiencing?
“Yeah, sounds great. You know me, I’m always down. I am just going to run up and change, it is a bit chilly tonight,” I said as I forced a smile on my face.
I walked back to the room and Jen was there on the couch; she greeted me and inquired about my plans for the night.
“Danny’s friend nick invited us over, ya know, another normal night,” I spoke.
She knew what another normal night was for us, mainly because Danny was involved. I scurried into the room throwing on black skinny jeans, combined with a lack zip hoodie and a white shirt underneath that lay fitted against my chest. For some reason I navigated towards the fitted clothes; accenting the curves of my body and topped it off with my favorite boots.
I sprang out of the door and my mood completely changed. I paused, was I just faking it? However, I made sure that my sudden moment of questionable thoughts didn’t show through. Nick seemed to me another once over before he smiled and responded to my “Alright, let’s go!”
Before I knew it we were at his apartment right off campus and letting my body sink on his couch, waiting, anticipating the events for the night. My eyes wandered from his posters to his table to his chairs and finally to the cold beer being handed to me.
“Let’s get started, shall we?” Nick spoke as his hand wrapped around a clear, tinted blue bong that defined pure beauty.
“I call her serenity. She brings me to that peaceful place more than anything else. Any woman who can bring me to a place like this, ohhhh... I wouldn’t let her go easily,” Nick lectured as his fingers traced up to the mouth of the piece in amazement. I began to feel a sense of jealous. The way his eyes admired the shape and content of this piece was the way I wish some guy would look at me. And mean it.

My own Rollercoaster.

So here I am sitting at my laptop, just freshly out of class, and I went back to my earliest blog entries since I first started this thing. I read the "I know that I don't know." There was one that said "I know that I don't know if I'll wake up a year from now and my life will be completely different."

Is my life completely different? Not really. I feel different, that is true; specially lately. Why lately? I went on my first rollercoaster ride. How does that make any sense? Let me explain...

I had spring break this past week; my roommate forced me to go on my first rollercoaster ride; let me tell you, that rollercoaster is a direct symbol of life. Or at least a certain section of events.

You started off on an escalading point; things start getting more intense, you are diving right in, head first, staring at what is to come, you arn't exactly sure how things are going to turn out, but you have a pretty good idea. Its the suspense that is building. You close your eyes, but you can't help but keep them open to see the events to come. Your heart beats; uncertainity arises. If things get scary; find a safe place. It's a whole new adventure.

8pint.

The huge drop comes. You are plunged into your new adventure. Your heat beats faster, it comes so quickly. its one of the highest points of the adventure; major shock factor. One of the climaxs of the adventure. It hits you quickly. almost like it was not even there; but you experienced it. It happened. You know it did. It was a thrill, it was an intense beginning, but there is so much more to come.

Kisseyface.

Then you hit the quick turns,sharp and intense, throwing you around slightly. You knew it was coming but you didn't exactly know how you would handle it. You are being pulled in so many directions you arn't sure exactly what is going on at some points, but all you know is you are enjoying it even if you heart continues to want to pound right out of your chest. Its only more of a thrill.

Shawty.

You see the end coming near; but not before one big adventure is left. Something you knew was coming, you were scared to hit. You are being thrown into a loop. upside down, blood rushing, your mind is slightly in a boggle, so much adrenaline and emotions running through your body. Possibly the best part of the whole thing, but before you know it, you are being thrown into another twist and turn.

Darlin'.

Then it starts to slow down, you see the end is very near. Your heart starts to regain itself. An epic adventure and a new experience just ran through you so fast. You know everything happened; you experienced; you tackled it and took it head on. But before you know it, it was over. Something that through you for a loop so quickly, came to its end just as fast as it began. But no matter how loops and turns you took; you end up right where you began. The same place you stepped foot onto this epic adventure, ends at the same place. Its just a memory now, but its still there. Perhaps it was your first time, perhaps you have become an expert at tackling these new crazy loops, but each time its different. each person has their own experience. Some love it and take in everything, some nerves are off the wall, others just can't handle it in general and let it get the best of them. Either way, throughout the entire thing your mind is in just a big of a twist and loop as the entire ride, and at the end of it you remember each detail. You remember the emotions and thoughts and actions shooting through your body in each moment.

Ghetto Booty.

At the end of the ride, you are still yourself. its just up to you to decide whether you want to take another crazy ride and go for another loop; perhaps letting that one change you or affect you more than the last. Perhaps you never want to set foot on another ride ever again, perhaps you just want to stay at where you started so you don't realize what you are missing out on; you are scared to lose that thrill so you just don't take it.

My advice?

Take that ride. Go for a loop. Take the twists and turns head on. Even if you end up where you started, it was an experience; perhaps one that will change you forever, perhaps only for the duration it lasted. Either way; tackle it, ride it, take control, feel it, breath it, bleed it. Run It.

Ride your own personal roller coaster each day.

Disconnected

"Strumming my pain with his fingers, Singing my life with his words, Killing me softly with his song, killing me softly,With his song telling my whole life With his words, Killing me softly,With his song"

Recently re-discovered that song...its amazing...

It really is weird how like at one part .."I felt all flushed with fever, Embarrassed by the crowd, I felt he found my letters then read each one out loud. I prayed that he would finish, But he just kept right on-"....

Isnt it weird how other people can read right into you. Yet sometimes you feel they can read you better than you can read yourself...

Your brain seems to be one person, the rest of you another. All in a state of confusion and not knowing what to do..

I shame myself for not writing on this thing more often. I had this huge post i was going to do but i completely forgot what I was going to write.

My life has taken a new, interesting turn to say the least for this semester. Quite a lot changed I'm not going to lie. I feel like my brain is trying to write me a letter asking, "what are you doing? Do you know what you are doing?'

I have no fucking idea what I'm doing..

I've been running into my past a lot lately, like face to face. Its weird to think how much I have changed. But I am a person with a past, the more i look at it the more I realize what Kind of shit I had to deal with. Not the worst shit, but there was shit. I had my happy moments my good memories I can't forget but everything was so much simplier than. I had everyone, there was everything I needed right in front of my face and I never craved more. It is really weird how odd things keep happening to. I don't know. Like I said I had this idea but it is long gone.

Strumming my pain....

Oh..How so much can do that. Day after day goes by and it feels like the same thing with each ticking moment.Sometimes its hard to handle certain things, certain events, certain people. Sometimes its hard to handle yourself. That disconnection between self and mind is ridiculous. If only yourself knew what the fuck you were doing and was actually able guiding you in the right path. So much of my past still lives inside of me; my thoughts, my actions, my mood swings. I fall apart, im human, I swear I'm human.

Ever just feel a part of yourself just..kinda leave...

Whether for awhile or only for a bit you ever so slightly feel, "I'm not myself." Disconnection. Why is there so much disconnection in life. Your heart wants one thing, your mind another, your body another. Everything is pulling in so many directions..

Confusion..Confusion....

Chaos..Destruction...

Self destruction.Slowly.That ticking away at you once again. Fuck. I sound emo. I cant control my emotions right now. They want to flow like nothing else. My body feels tense. It has an urge to let go.

It was maybe two weeks ago I slipped into a very sad state. I started crying, for something I want but I probably won't get. or something, no wait, it was because I was happy but sad. A friend knew, I got a phone call. I couldn't explain mainly. But afterwards I sat and cried. not hardcore, just ever so slightly. a release. once and awhile ill cry myself to sleep. Its hard to handle some shit.

These deep "confessionals" go on. Its weird digging into my past. I dont like it. It wasnt exactly rainbows and lollipops..I feel like I'm old, mentally, life experience-ish wise. But im young.. im barely going anywhere right now. Im not doing much with my life. Things take a path you never expected. I don't even know what I want anymore. I mean, I have this image; Well, okay. I was never a girl to dream about my wedding and all that bullshit. I Dreamt of meeting THE guy, marrying [not much detail on that] having a nice home, two kids, and my job. and everyting was fine. Like for once my life was normal. Everything seems so out of reach. All this stuff im doing in college to prepare to become a teacher and it all feels so outta reach, a place I have no idea how to get to. Well I have guidance but, getting this old just never felt like an option. Dealing with this shit, even within the last half hour, never seemed like an option. Changing..discovering..No..it was a plan..

But its all disconnected.

Feeling disconnected from your own life is something everthing goes through I suppose. I feel like I've been going through this for too long. Others are out there hurting, I'm not the worse off, I just thought I wouldn't be the one to have experienced certain things, to follow certain roads.

Someone reconnect me.

Face yourself.

People run away from things.

We're faced with something, good or bad, we don't know how to handle it, or we are afraid we're going to fuck it up as the time and time before.

I feel sometimes I'm fucked up in alot of ways, but we're all screwed up somehow I'm sure.
We ignore that fact until a situation comes, then we're faced with our flaws all over again.

Sometimes I just don't know what I want.
Actually I know what I want, but it seems so far out of reach.

Life is overwhelming.
There is not enough time to do all this homework, work, socialize, love, live.
There is not enough time to be me.

Some things just seem sooo out of reach.
Kinda wish I was floating on some sort of cloud in order to reach the things I feel are out of reach.
The Sky is the limit right?
So let me hit my limit, see how that goes.

I feel sometimes like I did last year, as if I was slowly breaking down, breaking apart.
New factors this year, at the beginning is a damn sure big part that has affected, and things I will have to take on in the near future..

It is a lot of letting go.
I wasn't ready for, I'm not ready for.

It's those events we don't want to happen, but we can't prevent.
We can't control our life, I can't see the future, I don't have a mystic ball or any of that shit.
I can't alter the past and I can only hope that my future will be...
a relief?
an answer?
what I want?

..No...Just Happy..