Goodbye To Self

Have you ever felt like you have lost a part of yourself?
That everyone around you is constantly judging you, and you are not really sure who you can trust anymore?
Who's words you can actually believe, and stay away from those who are just looking for more evidence to further accusations they already have?
It really sucks when they think they know the truth, but they really don't.
How people assume they know you because of how they perceive you, but the truth is you barely know the truth anymore; you barely know yourself anymore.
Things happen...shit happens.
The people around you come and go, and sometimes the ones you wish were able to stay by your side faithfully, will end up leaving you.
I'm not a perfect person, I'm not saying that at all.
I have made my mistake and I deal with it, on a daily basis.
I.Am.The.One.Who.Deals.With.It.Its.My.Life.Not.Theirs.
Let me live.
Let me feel as though I can continue on my life without being talked about behind my back. Take my good over my bad, theres more of it, atleast i hope there is.
Somewhere along the way I lost myself. My inner being gave into temptations that normally my personality would stray away from.
I know the reasons for why I do some of the things I do, no one else does. I dont think I want them to know.
If people choose to judge me, so be it.
I could care less. I'd rather them tell me the truth though.
Don't like me? Fine. Tell me. So i can stop wasting my breath on your existence.
Those who are the closest to me, this has no aim to them what so ever. Its other people, people who won't even know its them. only i do.
Im only human, I fuck up. Just seems more than others sometimes, or atleast it is made out to make me look like the bad guy.
Fuck it.
One week left of school. Where I can completely make my problems disappear and 'play pretend'
then go home this summer and live my life the way I want, freely.
And come back in the fall, a changed person.
Not for them.
For Me.

Story Cont.

This is a continuation of my story. If you do not remember were i left off, go back to Nov. 2009 and re-read my repost :]

That last word hit with the last drop of smoke being exhaled from my mouth. I gave a slight cough and passed it back to Danny, leaning back into the seat and letting the music take me slowly away. The pattern continues by habit and it feels as thought I’m not truly living at that moment. It’s the slow motion, the blur, the movements without really existing inside the body you are presented with. The next thing that knocked me into reality was opening the car door and my foot hitting the ground. The air seemed cooler, more crisp and the sun was not as harsh on my eyes anymore as it was soon turning into night.
My eyes gazed up at the moon as I reached into my pocket and pulled out my box of another habit I had picked up as my time at college went on. The smooth cigarette felt habitual against my finger tips and lips as my lighter lit the end. A puff of smoke floated right in Danny’s direction as I turned my head,
“So, can I get one of those?” he inquired.
Normally my instinct would be to talk some shit and harass him about it but I held mine tightly in my lips and tossed one in his direction. I turned forward once against and started heading for the building and sat myself down in the wooden chair outside that let smokers slowly damage themselves in comfort. I sank lower into the chair and the slight chill set my body into a bubbly type of feeling; like floating on a cloud. My eyes locked with the smoke coming off of my cigarette and they followed it up in each intertwining position.
My mind always had this habit of traveling off into some direction, wherever it wanted. Sometimes the beat of the music would engulf every being of my body; sometimes my eye would catch one aspect of light or smoke and be taken in by its superior simple beauty. There were other times, however, where my mind just wandered if there was nothing but the beat of the music and the silence between friends. I always felt my mind was on this level where no one really understood; sometimes I just felt my thinking was just something potheads were not suppose to do. I sometimes wondered why no one ever called me out on my blank stares and sudden quietness that arose from within; but no one ever did. I think sometimes they understood. Danny understood that I needed an escape here and again, then again I felt he was somewhere on the same page of me of having a constant pressure on him, I just was not sure where his was coming from.
“Its crazy isn’t it?”
I heard his voice lingering in my head without any aspiration to answer or even try to figure out what he was referring to. Then my eyes linked with the lingering long ash that held its place on the tip of my cigarette. I panicky ashed out the window.
“The way your body will sort of. Melt…to the waves of the music. The way your body reacts to different sounds. Different words. It is just like different ocean waves you are riding or something.”
I couldn’t help but to crack a small smile and give out a pity laugh, although that sentence was hysterical in its own personal-level sort of way.
“Seriously Danny, you are out of control.”
I took one last drag of my cigarette and tossed it into the grass that was starting to finally grow back, preparing myself to get back to the everyday school scene and deal with whatever scenarios that may come my way. We sat there in silence just letting the cool breeze hit our face and bring us a sense of reality, always being afraid to be the first to end the night. I could tell by the way Danny focused on a random person walking up the sidewalk that he was itching to go back to his room and mess with some sort of technology.
“I guess I really should go to bed,” I finally spoken, adding a sense of relief to the situation. I knew that Danny had no idea if I was ready to go back in yet, due to the state that he found me in. Usually at these kinds of times Danny allows me to make the judgment calls on when he actually ventured back in and I had to deal with roommates and the sense of living.
When I got back to the room the door was locked and I wrestled in my pocket for the key, trying not to make a lot of noise. I opened the door and gazed upon and very vacant living room. When I peered around no one seemed to be there; it always seemed I was never in the room and when I was no one else was around. I really did not mind it though, if no one was there, there was no one to ask me how my day was or how I am doing. I wouldn’t have to lie. I changed into comfortable clothing and sat down upon my bed, forcing the window open more than how we are suppose to have it, and placed a cigarette to my lips. These dorm buildings were non-smoking of course, but that did not stop me late at night when no one was around to give a shit.
The feeling that I receive when I’m high is one that can lead me in many directions, depending on what I’m doing or who I’m with. At this particular moment in time, I was alone, in the dark, smoking myself to an early death, just hoping for some new light to shine on me. The only light that shown on me at that particular moment was the moon’s beam shining through my window and reflecting off of the razor blade I had set beside me. I put my cigarette between my lips, smoke flying past my eyes as my right hand extended out to grab the razor blade and my left hand to lift my shirt, to lower my pants.
As the sharp edge of the blade touched upon my already scarred side, the cooling sensation sent a chill throughout my body. When the final pressure came I inhaled on my cigarette and released the inhale about the same time I seen that first drop of blood start to make its way out of my body. I grabbed a rag and lined the side of my pants with it to catch any mess that may occur. One release was not enough. Once again I took a deep drag of sweet nicotine and released the sweet sensation of letting go. Cutting myself was obviously not an attempt at suicide; cutting my side wouldn’t do that. Cutting myself was another form of release, another form of letting go and leaving some of that pain behind. I put pressure upon my side with the rag and laid in the moonlight observing what little stars you could really see. I blew the smoke of my last drag out the window, extinguished what little flame there was left and moved my blade of serenity out of the way. I drifted off to a happy place, at least I hope it’s happy, with my hand on my side and my breathing steadied.
The time kept clicking away even though my existence seemed to be at a halt for some time while my mind wandered a sleeping path. This was until I heard the door open and Jen turn on the bathroom light to guide her around the room. She was always so courteous when coming in if I was already asleep. I kept my eyes shut but I felt her body coming towards me and seen a faint shadow over my eyes. She grabbed the blade that was covered in blood from my desk, removed the bloody rag from the little grip I had on it and moved the ash try out of my kicking distance. I heard the water running and I peeked to see her rinsing the rag as well before adding it to the laundry pile. Nothing was said, she did not wake me and I knew my side was exposed as I felt the wind hit gently against my open my skin.
My heart pounded, but soon enough the light was gone and Jen made her way to bed without probably a judgment upon me. I was finally able to send myself back to sleep once I heard Jen’s faint snoring in the background. I guess it was a sense of reassurance that I would not be further interrogated on the events that had taken place while Jen was out of the room. That morning I awoke with only one class to attend that I was surely to go through mindlessly. I rolled over and let out a groan as I seen Jen floating around the room getting ready for the day. I ran my hand down my side and felt the dried blood upon my skin; I pulled my shirt down to hide what Jen already knew had happened. When I sat up she looked at me and smiled, saying good morning as she would any other day and continued on. I thought about her cleaning up my blade, my rag and my ash tray again. It was almost as if Jen was trying to clean up my misery for me. As if she was trying to take all the pain that I have and inflict upon myself and move it out of my life. It kind of felt as if the process of me storing some events in the back of my mind to not remember was the same as Jen moving my evidence of what had happened out of eye sight for the morning. If only other aspects of life were this easy; but they weren’t. Jen grabbed a granola bar and made her way onto her class, I grabbed a Pepsi left over from the night before and took a swig of that; morning cotton mouth was always a reminder that you were not yourself last night. I got up and slowly maneuvered my body to the shower, slowly stripping with each step I took.
“At least no blood got on my shirt this time,” I thought as I removed it from my body.
The water hit me hard when I finally stepped inside. My hand was against the wall, with my head down, the hot water running its course down my body. Standing in the shower my thoughts were non-existent, it was if I was not really living at that moment. Perhaps it was too early in my day to send me on a roller coaster ride of emotions. I began to wash my body, and that was when reality finally set in. I looked down and seen a blood drop falling from the freshly cut skin, my eyes trailing down my stomach, my thigh, my calf, finally hitting the shower floor; being followed by other droplets behind it. The swirling of the water combined with my blood sending me into a circular oblivion of every other time I was standing in this same position, gazing down at the same situation I had encountered before. This time, however, it felt different for some reason. Jen has found me before, laying helplessly asleep, bleeding from some part of my body, and has cleaned me up or at least cleaned my mess up. Last night though, I actually saw her do it. I actually seen her try and remove my mistakes for me, and I was not sure how to react to that because here I was staring at the obvious evidence that it happened.
After my shower I proceeded to clean my cuts and cover them up, just because I was destructive did not mean I was an idiot on keeping them from getting infected. I continued on with my day as if everything was normal, taking sweet care in drying and straightening my hair, applying eyeliner and throwing on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I grabbed my books that I needed and slung my bag over my shoulder, beginning my walk towards the main building. English Class. We were discussing the history of language and a bunch of other shit I didn’t care about. I sat mindlessly, sketching on my notebook in the back of the class. Sometimes my mind just wanders and my pencil will follow in its footsteps, creating an image that came from some inner thought I suppose. I started to draw lines and add shading and before I knew it I was drawing a girl. This would have been fine except I drew her curled up in a corner, as if she was trying to hide from something, from someone. Suddenly I could hear the hand on the clock tick by so loudly, with every line I drew, there came the loud sound of the pencil moving around the paper. I was so focused in I couldn’t even hear the monotone voice of the teacher trying to sling its educational value at me. This was until the girl next to me put her bag on the table and poked my shoulder.
“Jade, Class is over. You can go now,” she laughed, “Not like you were even really here this class anyway.”
Seems to be that lately I’m here but not really. I gestured that I knew well enough that class was over and stuffed my notebook into my bag. I looked at the clock, it was already late evening and I had not eaten anything yet all day. This is what I get for sleeping in so late, but I made my schedule that way so I wouldn’t have to face the world at a normal hour like everyone else. By time I actually get motivated and go to class sometimes half my day can be wasted; the way that I like it. I decided I would step outside for a cigarette than go back in and actually grab something to devour. I stepped out onto the front steps of the building, pulled out a cigarette and began looking for my lighter. Shit. I left my lighter on my desk. Just as I was about to give up hope on actually smoking I heard an unfamiliar voice.
“Need a light?”
I turned my head to the right, smiled and replied, “Yeah, my dumbass left my lighter in the room. Just my luck ya know.”
She flipped open her zippo and held it up for to me to ignite my cigarette. I had never seen her before and I’m quite sad I hadn’t, she was gorgeous. Her nails were painted black to match every aspect of mysterious, hard outer appearance. She dressed as if she couldn’t care less, yet still made a very good impression. She wore ripped jeans, and what seemed to look like an old boy scout shirt, or perhaps girl scout shirt, with a belt buckle that made quite a statement. Her hair was almost black with red running randomly throughout it, up in a messy yet “done” sort of way. Her body would make any woman jealous with her chest almost popping out from the buttons on the shirt that attempted to hold her in. When she lifted her arm I could see that her belly button was pierced and her hips hung out slightly from her jeans. She was built like an hour glass, a perfect hour glass whose time I would follow regardless. We sat there mainly in silence, only making small talk, but I knew she was not a small talk kind of girl. Then a girl from my class walked up and started talking to me about some assignment, distracting me from the girl who had lit my cigarette. By the time I went to turn around to say something to her, she was gone. I’m not sure when she left, or where she went; all I knew was that I was angry at myself for not asking her name. I threw my cigarette down and dug it into the cement with my heel and started to make my way to get food.
When I finally walked into the cafeteria my eyes laid upon a certain boy who struck a thought: I wonder if he notices me. I continue to walk past him and casually glimpse at him out of the corner of my eye just like any other day. From what I tell he doesn’t even look at me; perhaps he hides it like I do, a casual, nonchalant glance, no harm in that; or at least makes it seem that way. He knows he can’t look directly at me; they’ll know; everything will be exposed. I mean even if he did gaze upon me I don’t think he would see the truth. He wouldn’t know that I barely remember what happened that night, how much my insides turn in a knot anytime I see his face, how my breathing increases and my heart pounds practically out of my chest. Why would he though? We were both high, I’m always high, but I haven’t been on that sort of level in awhile, not to where I can’t remember. Then again maybe I can recall that night, maybe I remember every detail; I just choose not to.
Perhaps my mindset has become to ignore all these actions, my free-will and free love has taken over when enhanced by drugs, yet at the same time the free-will allows itself to hold back everything that would only further pursue the pain that is twisted inside me. No one can know, I mean some know a little, but not a lot, not everything. This is probably because not even I know…remember everything. It would be an overload when these images or actions are face to face with me, talked about or other. I pretend in my mind its someone else, it didn’t happen to me, if I can’t remember it’s obsolete. Deep down I am aware that it is about me, but for once I wish I was hearing someone else’s story of truth rather than my own, maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much. Maybe then I’d be okay, I wouldn’t immerse myself in smoke, maybe I wouldn’t feel like I hate myself.
This entire process engulfed my mind so quickly, until I see someone drop their books in front of me. I bent down to help them and when I came up my eyes were directly locked with his. For those few moments they were locked I felt like I couldn’t disconnect, like he was staring into the black oblivion my eyes, just trying to see, trying to understand. He looked as if he wanted to say something but I broke away before I gave him a chance to flash me a reminder of something I barely recall happening.
I fled the cafeteria, I’m not sure why, it’s not like he would do anything, but I almost ran. I was not sure if it was because I was running from him or because I was trying to get away from myself.
The stall door slammed so loud in my ears; it wasn’t normal. When the lock hit it set off something to where my breathing was panicked and my mind seemed as if it was spinning in one giant circle. My hand hit the wall to keep my balanced as my body sunk down along the stall wall, along with the closing of my eyes. I need to gather myself.
“I need help,” I spoke out loud.
I wasn’t sure how loud I said it, who heard it, or who I had intended to hear to me. Perhaps I was trying to tell myself, to get myself to listen. I won’t. I can’t I can’t accept this reality. But, how long can I really run?
Finally, I heard foreign foot steps, my breathing slowed down and I touched my hand to my face and wiped away the cold tears I didn’t even know had made a mark on my cheek.
“Get it together,” I spoke again only to myself and ventured out back into reality that I run through each day. I can’t be alone, I need to get Danny. I need that retreat back within myself, I need not to accept anything that just happened, I need to not accept any past events, and I need not to remember.
I walked outside as the sun was setting and made my way back to the dorm building. I seen Danny embraced by a cloud of cigarette smoke and a body I have never seen before, then again Danny was always gaining new friends. As I got closer I glanced over his new friends; ripped jeans, black hoodie, medium length dark hair, a few piercings and a few tattoos. The cigarette smoke gently poured out as he sent a small grin my way and gave me the same glance over.
“Hey Jade, been looking for you. I want you to meet from my friend Nick. He invited us to party tonight; picked up some good shit that will rock your mind,” Danny spoke to me in that normal excited voice.
Rock my mind? Could my mind be put into a greater whirlwind than what I had already been experiencing?
“Yeah, sounds great. You know me, I’m always down. I am just going to run up and change, it is a bit chilly tonight,” I said as I forced a smile on my face.
I walked back to the room and Jen was there on the couch; she greeted me and inquired about my plans for the night.
“Danny’s friend nick invited us over, ya know, another normal night,” I spoke.
She knew what another normal night was for us, mainly because Danny was involved. I scurried into the room throwing on black skinny jeans, combined with a lack zip hoodie and a white shirt underneath that lay fitted against my chest. For some reason I navigated towards the fitted clothes; accenting the curves of my body and topped it off with my favorite boots.
I sprang out of the door and my mood completely changed. I paused, was I just faking it? However, I made sure that my sudden moment of questionable thoughts didn’t show through. Nick seemed to me another once over before he smiled and responded to my “Alright, let’s go!”
Before I knew it we were at his apartment right off campus and letting my body sink on his couch, waiting, anticipating the events for the night. My eyes wandered from his posters to his table to his chairs and finally to the cold beer being handed to me.
“Let’s get started, shall we?” Nick spoke as his hand wrapped around a clear, tinted blue bong that defined pure beauty.
“I call her serenity. She brings me to that peaceful place more than anything else. Any woman who can bring me to a place like this, ohhhh... I wouldn’t let her go easily,” Nick lectured as his fingers traced up to the mouth of the piece in amazement. I began to feel a sense of jealous. The way his eyes admired the shape and content of this piece was the way I wish some guy would look at me. And mean it.