Face yourself.

People run away from things.

We're faced with something, good or bad, we don't know how to handle it, or we are afraid we're going to fuck it up as the time and time before.

I feel sometimes I'm fucked up in alot of ways, but we're all screwed up somehow I'm sure.
We ignore that fact until a situation comes, then we're faced with our flaws all over again.

Sometimes I just don't know what I want.
Actually I know what I want, but it seems so far out of reach.

Life is overwhelming.
There is not enough time to do all this homework, work, socialize, love, live.
There is not enough time to be me.

Some things just seem sooo out of reach.
Kinda wish I was floating on some sort of cloud in order to reach the things I feel are out of reach.
The Sky is the limit right?
So let me hit my limit, see how that goes.

I feel sometimes like I did last year, as if I was slowly breaking down, breaking apart.
New factors this year, at the beginning is a damn sure big part that has affected, and things I will have to take on in the near future..

It is a lot of letting go.
I wasn't ready for, I'm not ready for.

It's those events we don't want to happen, but we can't prevent.
We can't control our life, I can't see the future, I don't have a mystic ball or any of that shit.
I can't alter the past and I can only hope that my future will be...
a relief?
an answer?
what I want?

..No...Just Happy..

Nothing But Lust

So, Found my old poem Journal. Felt it was appropriate to write a poem. not sure how i feel about it. but i felt it necessary to post on here..


My body ached from the trembling as his fingers traced my spine.
Our breathing was in sync, but our heart beats were not.
His touch meant everything, his kiss was my happiness,
but it was nothing.
I waited, as I knew I would.
I'd give everything, if I had too.
And I gave so much.
I gave my heart, my tears, my love, my soul, my body.
He gave a touch, a kiss, a sweet fuck.
Passionate love-making; only in my eyes.
Lustful sex; everything he desired.
And I gave him that everything.
So maybe my body ached from giving,
and maybe my breathing was just lust filled,
but my off-beat heart beat was exactly what I felt.

Dirty Lil Secrets

So, I remember on myspace that there was a bullentin randomly with a bunch of people's secrets. So I decided to do my own lil version, my own secrets, combined with random and perhaps other people's secrets. The only problem is, which ones are really mine?

Here goes nothing...
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I hate myself.

I Love him but he doesn't even know I exist.

I use to cut myself.

I'm not really in Love with him.

I'd give everything, just for one night.

I Killed my own baby.

I'd wait for him.

I Cheat, constantly.

I hooked up with different guys to try and get higher self-esteem, it didn't work.

I'm not really happy.

I get intoxicated to escape reality.

I really hate my bestfriend.

I wish my boobs were bigger.

Being one of the guys is nice, just wish he noticed me as more than that.

I wish he loved me.

My outer appearance, is not anywhere near who I really am.

I think I'm fat.

I want to be with him, but sometimes the things you want are just too far away.

I wish I was more intelligent.

I stole her boyfriend.

I hated who I was, I hated everyday I kept waking up to.

I get butterflies everytime he is around.

I've been hit...by a guy.

I secretly hate being in my home.

I really couldn't give a shit what they are saying when they speak.

I should have two children by now.

I secretly am jealous of her.

I wish I had her looks.

I cry myself to sleep because of all the things I regret.

I'm still hung up on the past.

I slept with his bestfriend.

There are some jobs I've wanted, Just knew I wasn't pretty enough.

I masterbate, constantly.

I can't stand it when he is around.

I eat when I'm sad, and end up hating myself even more.

I'd give him the world, and he has no idea.

I'm scared of the future.

I wish I had turned out differently.

I'm scared I won't be a good mother.

I hooked up with his girlfriend.

I don't care that I hurt them.

I hate how she acts sometimes.

I wish he wasn't leaving, I miss him already.

I care too much, and I hate it.

I'm a liar.

-----------------------------

Secrets are people. Some of these are mine, some not, maybe they are all mine. If I think of more I might add them.Guess you'll never know. But our secrets are us, regardless of they are negative or positive, hurtful or full of nothing but desire to be loved and give love. Everyone has them; we just choose to ignore them. It's time that you say what you need to say...life is short...

Fuckin' Live it.

A random...something or other.

There we sat, And I only Knew.
That the smile across my face was for some other reason.
My mind was tuning in and out, then focused on the rapid beating
the increase in the beat of my heart.
It felt like it was going to pop out of my chest.
I could feel him close to me, even though he really wasn't.
Memories came back, my heart beat went even faster, my smile even bigger.
Then suddenly, the silence became just that and nothing more.
And the moment was over.
With nothing to deal with, but the thought of..I should probably give up.
The smile faded, the heart beat decreased, and soon his prescence was no longer felt
only known.
But it seems only I knew. It seems I only know and hope and dream.
Nothing more, Nothing Less.
But sometimes you really Just don't know..
sometimes hoping just is not enough...
and Dreams are not even close to reality...

Re-Posting my story

Okay so i decided to repost my entire story that I've written thus far, more has been added since the last encounter.
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Chapter 1
I woke up blinking in a faded eye sight, a blurred memory and another person's breathing right next to me. As I turned and looked at the long haired, scruffy faced boy next to me, only confusion filled my mind. I blinked again, a bit longer this time and seen only glimpses of my night before; as usual only general ideas, the basics of the night appeared, not complete details. I grabbed my clothes and quietly changed with only the snoring of the boy in the background. I took one last look as I shut his door and began the walk back to my own dorm room. The clanking of my heels from my heavy, tired legs were the only sound I heard, my feet still sore from the ridiculous amount of dancing I was sure I did the night before. My jeans and party top was no match against the cool spring morning air and I held my arms close to my body trying to keep any warmth against me. I entered the door and the man behind the desk did a double look and shook his head at my smeared make up and uncontrollable hair. I disconnected any eye contact and continued to my door. I dropped my keys on my desk and fell upon my bed with a sigh. My phone began to ring and I reached for it with closed eyes, answering without even checking the ID."Hellloo...” I said in a quiet raspy voice, as those were the first words of my day."Hey Jade Baby," the voice suddenly spoke.I sat up quickly and my eyes widened more than they had at the first morning sun. My fingers ran through my hair in a nervous habit and my breathing seemed to increase.I paused. "...Hey Michael...""What's with the uneasy tone?" he questioned.Honestly, why would he even be asking me why the uneasy tone? He was the one who took off; he was the one who left me. He confessed his love for me, took my virginity, then a week later left to live with his father in California to pursue his love of music. He did this and expects me to just welcome his words with no problem."What do you expect, I haven't heard from you in over a semester, then you just call," I finally replied.I could tell by the way he sighed it was a 'oh c'mon baby you know I didn't mean it' type sigh. He always could work his ways with me, but not this time. I wouldn't let him."I'm sorry it killed me, but if we spoke I’d only miss you more. It would kill me to hear your voice and not be able to hold you close..."Shit. My resistance was getting harder to hold with each word."You know I wouldn't intentionally hurt you..." He continued.I bit my lip. There it was, his suave ways, as expected. Then it came."...You know I still love you..."And there it was. The wall breaker and I knew it the moment I closed my eyes and invisoned our first night together. That same feeling of mushy shit came over me."I'm coming home."My breath stopped along with the beat of my heart as the world came sinking in around me. That conversation ended in a blur. I showered, thinking it would help. I was washing away last night's mistakes along wit the smell of alcohol, weed and another boy's cologne injected into my skin. The cut on my side started to bleed when my nail ran over it since it was fresh and still sensitive. However, it was hidden and no one had any idea they even existed. I came out in a towel and my roommate was just getting back from work. She looked at me out of the corner of her eye."How was your night?"It was like she knew. Almost as if her eyes read inside my mind and knew more about my night than I did. Overall, she knew I partied, just to what extent was an unspoken situation."Another normal night," I replied.She dropped her hair clip and looked at me as though she could see last night's events: the joints, the shots, the lust filled sex driven from drugs with a boy who was just a friend, not even a close one at that. My eyes shifted and I reached for my ripped jeans to cover the goose bumps that had risen upon my skin."Well, Jen, Michael's coming back."I spoke in an urgency to dismiss her judgment on me. As I finished zipping my jeans I felt her hand upon my shoulder."Are you okay," she questioned with sincerity in her eyes.Jen was a blonde haired, intellectual nursing major who cared about you regardless of what you did. We had known each other since high school and this was our second year rooming together, so she knew my past with Michael. She may have been that loving smiling girl, but not when it came to him."I'm fine."I choked on my own words and reached for my school logoed hoodie. I dropped my towel and slipped the soft fabric against my damp chest exposing the cut on my side. Jen seen it."Jade," her eyes looked down."You don't need that again. You don't have to fall again."Truth is I never stopped falling, no matter how much he hurt me. I had been chasing the horizon and knew it needed to stop. It just never did.I grabbed my keys and proceeded out the door without another word to her. I walked past that same man who judged me when I came in, this time he did no double take. Out front I met my other half, my partner in crime if you will."Hey jerk face," I said with a smile."What's up skank," he replied with ease.Danny was laid-back until you pissed him off. He was intelligent but you wouldn't expect it. Even though he was undecided what to do with his life, he had his shit together. The way his hair covered his eyes made you always wonder his thoughts, but his smile showed he was human. Best of all: He kept me sane.We walked towards the back of campus, far enough to the point no one would even care to look. It was a dead zone with nothing but trees and other decay. It was the perfect spot. The familiar sound of a lighter igniting filled my ears and the very familiar smell of marijuana took over my nose. It was passed over and the familiar smell became the familiar air filling my lungs and taking me off away from the worries in my life.The walk back towards our building was delayed by a stop off at the cafeteria.
Dinner time came upon me in a shock; I had lost all sense of time. I grabbed my food and sat down when my eyes wandered around at the usual faces. Suddenly, my focus was grabbed by the smile of the boy from the night before. I quickly looked down at my food, my eyes shut and my breathing slightly thrown off. Danny sat down across from me blocking the view and cutting off the flashbacks from the night before. The details were starting to become clearer, but not all the way there. In the case for me, being high all over again sometimes brings back the details from the ones lost within the high the night before, or even weeks ago. The flashbacks become more vivid because I’m in my own little world, my own little mind, at least that’s my theory.Our other friends came to join us and at this point they have accepted the fact that Danny and I had picked up some ‘extra curricular’ activities. We could function, hold conversations, but for me, I still became more quiet and embraced inside my own thoughts. My behavior is also very understood and accepted at this point, I think my closest friend read deeper into me though. I’m pretty sure she knew that inside my head were thoughts that made me suffer a bit. Whether it was me recalling mistakes, or just remembering the loss that I had experienced over the years; she knew.Her name was Raven and we connected on many levels. Although we did not have the past that Jen and I had, we were closer than ever. She was blessed with black hair that fell over her left eye. She had gone through her own disasters in life but was carrying through them strong and stayed successful in school. We both had a twisted sarcasm and a kind heart. Although, we both avoided drama, I was the one who would not take shit from any one, I would hold my own. She was more into avoiding confrontation and I was okay with that; we balance each other out. That was why she became another of my roommates that year so I had that balance; that and the fact deep down, I looked up to her.
The time clicked by slowly as the earth rotated itself around me and my state of un-sobriety. The words of my friends floated through my one ear and out the other; usually I focus, today I just couldn’t. Usually I tune in at certain points but this time, I just had no ideas. I was starting to come down from my high and those details were slowly slipping away, but the glimpses of his face were still there. The shower had not completely washed away the events from the night before, the events from a week ago, or even a month ago. It was with me and I was not enjoying it at all that evening.
Danny and I both looked at each other and without a word spoken we both came to an agreement on what we would partake in next. We made our way out of the cafeteria and the mind numbing chatter of the other students and into our own reality. We did not even venture back to that perfect spot as the sun had been down and our cockiness had risen over time. The flame may have been more noticeable to our own eyes, but to any other passing person, the only trail would be stench of our roasting happiness, however, no one was around to even catch onto that.
With each hit came a new level of emptiness yet a new feeling of being complete all at the same time. I looked up at the sky and seen the moon peeking out from beneath the clouded sky and it brought a sense of purity that I had not felt in awhile. That feeling soon disappeared as I set eyes upon a boy who had caught my attention at the beginning of the semester. Although Michael had kept my heart on lock since I met him, this boy definitely seemed like the answer to my broken heart. His engaging smile was the first thing that had gotten my attention, but it was his eyes that had trapped me. They spoke to me with honesty and promises of a new, happy life that I had never seen before. The only problem was he was another free spirit that I honestly believed I could not catch.
My attention was focused purely on him until I seen him go inside and I would soon be following in the same path. Danny and I sat on the bench outside the door to air out that same stench from our clothes and to get our last breath of fresh air for the night. I took a deep breath and began the walk back to my room. I passed that same boys room as I did every time I walked back and let my eyes wandered into the slightly ajared door. As I walked past things seemed to slow down and my breathing became louder in my own mind. It was another glimpse flashing in my mind. There was a night where we both may have been intoxicated and losing control of our words. I spoke my mind and everything would have fallen into the place that I wanted, but he was different and I walked away knowing that it was not what he wanted. That moment was one of the few times I clearly thought out my actions and somehow I regretted it.
My keys jingled in the key hole and I finally opened it. The lights were shut off except for the light illuminating from the TV. Our other roommate was half awake on the couch with her I pod attached to her ears as usual.
“Hey Jade.”
I guess she heard me come in. It is time for words again. I cleared my throat.
“Oh, Hey Jess. Sorry if I woke you,” I replied softly.
“No worries you didn’t.”
Jess was a combination between Jen and me. She was music savvy, had a hard side, but at the same time possessed a warm calming smile. I met her through Jen and at first we did not really talk, but it developed into a good friendship over the course of our first year. She had admitted to me that at first she was a bit intimidated as many are. People look at me and see only my long dark hair, dark eyes, chipped black nail polish and rocker ways and seem to keep their distance. People feel like if they get me mad enough that I would come out fighting at almost no notice.
I continued to my room with no reply to Jess, she was sure use to it by now. The light shining from my laptop was blinding and disturbing my current state of escaping reality. I shut the laptop and plopped down on my bed just as I had done earlier that day. I rested my elbows on my knees and held my face in my hands. The echoing of my breathing was blocking out the subtle sound of the TV from the other room. I closed my eyes and things began to spin when the glimpses came forward once again. There I Was.Drunk.High.Dancing.Falling Over. He Caught Me. Our eyes connected.We were pressed close to each other.His hand traveled to my ass.I didn't stop him.He grabbed my hand and led me to his room.I let him.I could still feel his hand wrapping around my neck and his breath getting closer to my skin.At that moment I brought my head out of my hands and opened my eyes. I couldn't bear to face the rest of the details, even though this would be a perfect time to gather them all. I threw my hoodie to the floor along with the jeans I had worn that day. I then searched at the bottom of my dresser drawer where I found an old Metallica shirt and embraced myself in it that night.I remember he loved Metallica.I remember he loved the way I looked in his shirt.The next morning I was woken up by a pillow being launched at me. I turned over, grabbed the pillow and threw it right back at Raven."What the fuccccccckkkkk..." I grunted."It's Noon, lunch time!" she replied.I rubbed my eyes, cursed a few times and rolled out of bed. It was Monday; I survived yet another weekend, with only the memories surviving as bruises. They stay for awhile, but over time they start to slowly disappear, and if they really meant something, then you will remember them. I slipped on some clothes, put my hair up, grabbed my bag and ventured back to the same cafeteria that has fulfilled my hunger for months upon months now.Yes. Hot Wings.Hot wings with a combination of an energy drink at my side got me through my day. People thought I was insane, but there was just something about having the hot, burning sensation in my mouth that made things alright. Maybe it was another distracter, maybe I just liked hot things, either way, and I devoured them. Raven always looked at me weird when I was in all my glory of munchin' on the hotness. However, that was distracted when Eric came wandering up, you could say he was Raven's Danny. He was tall, thin, had a combination of a calming smile and comforting eyes, with an attitude that would make anyone think twice. He sat down and took his hat off so you could see his eyes; they spoke the honest truth and nothing less."I'm Done," he said quickly."You're done?" Raven inquired."Asshole teachers, drama filled peers, boring work....."He continued, but I blanked, the tingly on my tongue was more intriguing at this point. My heart was beating faster. Not again. It happened time again, my mind would zone out of my surroundings, focus on one thing, and my heart would lose control. I would need something to bring me back, I would need..."Jade."There it was Raven's voice."What, oh, uh, yeah."The only words that came to mind."You alright, you look flushed."At that moment I peered up at the clock."Sonovabitch. Yeah Yeah I'm fine, but I won't be if I don't leave now."At that moment I took off sprinting down the hallway to my art class.I crept in the door just before my Professor was about to shut it. I had a habit of showing up to class late due to some activities I may inquire in before class and I was warned not to be late anymore. I retrieved my painting, sat at my easel and continued the work that I had started the week before. It was that point that my Professor came up and started to speak to me."Jade."I sighed as silently as I could, lowered my brush, and peered over my canvas at my Professor."You know you have a unique eye, a unique style of art right?"He was always telling me about how I was different from his other students, how I actually let my self be real and honest with what I was doing."Yes Professor, you have to realize, I'm an art student, not a lawyer. I see no need to lie or defend myself. My art is what it is." I replied back, stern yet polite.His eyes looked at me in slight amusement in my comparison, but quickly changed to a more serious tone. He knew I was involved in painting and photography; he loved my work, but was often hard on me because of it. He was always trying to get me to dig deeper, even though I was already in pretty deep."I'm aware of that Jade. I just wanted to let you know there is going to be a college art show downtown and I submitted your name. You need to gather some work to be displayed. You have only a few weeks."I stared and thought to myself how he could simply put my work out there without even asking me how I felt. He could sense a bit of disapproval yet satisfaction all at the same time. He held out a card and I quickly snatched it from his hand, stuffing it deep inside my bag of inspiration. The class went out and for some reason my creativity was not flowing. That day in class I only added a few touches to what work I had already began and the rest went by in a haze. My Professor brought me back from my daydreams by saying "see you Wednesday!" and off I was. I slung my back over my shoulder and ventured onto my communications class. Communications I didn't really mind, it was a laid back class, with freedom of words and expression; similar to my art classes. I slouched down in my seat and waited for the Professor to arrive. The girl who sat next to me slipped me a note and motioned for me to wait to read it. I folded it over in the palm of my hand just as I heard the door shutting. At that moment she had been called to the front to give her speech. Her name was "D", and just "D". It was simple, mysterious and fun all at the same time, just like her. She had a diva like swagger and spoke with confidence. When she spoke it should have been censored, but it was who she was. She was built with curves and a seducing personality; I loved it. She gave her speech on freedom of female sexuality and the powers that it posses. She embraced who women are and who we should be; how we shouldn't be hidden behind the male restraints. I sat in my seat and smiled the whole time. When she was done, there was applause, then she sat down next to me once again, winking, then facing forward for the remainder of class and all I could do was giggle silently to myself and shake my head.
Class had ended and the time I spent walking back to my dorm room was somewhat a blur and just like another other walk, until his eyes met mine. I usually look down when I walk but when I heard, “Hey Jade,” my head shot up. It was him. The one who had held my hopes of a good future, without even being anywhere near it.
“Oh, hey Brian,” I said back with a smile on my face.
It was funny the way that I could be in the worst mood ever and the moment he even made slight eye contact, a smile was upon my face within seconds. As soon as I smiled he smiled right back and our eyes were kept locked. It was like a conversation without really speaking, I felt sometimes he could read me better than I could read myself.
“Well, I figure since we’re both going to same place, it would be nice to have a walking partner, dontcha think?”
A bigger smile rose upon my face and I quickly looked down before the redness in my face became too noticeable. We walked, he talked, and I listened. Something about the way he spoke kept my attention and I loved listening to whatever he had to say. We walked the same path as we do many times a week, but once we reached his room, it was that awkward, “well now what”, situation. My eyes looked slightly down, and my true emotions of disconnection came over me. He looked at me and cocked his head, almost as if he were inquiring about my thoughts, what process is going on inside my head.
“You alright?” He questioned with sincerity.
I looked up with a small smile, just big enough to convince him.
“I’m fine.” I responded.
It seemed no matter who asked, what was going on, where I was, “I’m fine” was always my answer, even though it never really was. I could tell by the way his eyes shifted around my face he didn’t believe me for a damn minute.
“I know what you need.”
At that moment he took me in his arms and gave me a hug. There was something about his hugs that no matter what, they took you somewhere else, just like his eyes, his words, and his whole personality. It wasn’t a fake hug, or one to console, it was just because I needed it, and it worked. At least, he postponed my pain for those few seconds.
After that we departed our own ways, although I like to usually stick around for a bit to have a conversation, I just felt I needed to get away before I spilled my entire soul out to him. I returned to my own room and no one was there. I ran each roommates schedule through my mind and calculated how much I would actually have alone to myself.
“Work, class, class…” I mumbled.
I dropped my bag next to the couch and made my way into my bedroom. My hand searched within my desk drawer and found what I was looking for, my bag of goodness and the right equipment to go with it. I made my way to the bathroom, sitting on the edge of the tub; I turned my sorrows into smoke. The only light that was entering my eyes was coming from underneath the bathroom door, but it seemed bright as hell. I blinked and his face appeared. I shook it away, but my eyes seemed to get heavier and they lowered even quicker this time, projecting his image clearer this time. My breathing started to get harder; I stood up and walked out into the living room. I flopped down on the couch and flipped on my CD player, leaning my head back and drifting away. The lyrics can through me like water.
“Another day goes by and I don’t understand or know the reasons why….”
It continued and then I seen it again. His face, my face. His breath became real and I felt the Goosebumps rise quicker with each breath.
“I’m looking for a change in life, but another day goes by…”His hand crept up my shirt and I could feel his hand unhooking my bra. His lips were finally against my neck and I could feel them all along my collarbone. “Here we go again…”
Before my thoughts could continue more the dorm room door flew open. The light overpowered my eyes and I winched in pain. I rubbed my eyes and slightly looked over towards the doorway. At that moment Jen was walking in from her night class and going towards our room.
“Hey Jade!!”
My eyes closed again but I forced them open enough where if I leaned my head slightly down I could look at her out of the corner of my eye.
“Jen, what’s crackn?” I muttered in a half cracked voice.
She started to tell me about her day but the hazy affect still persisted and only somewhat decreased as I seen our bedroom light turn on. It was the harder breathing that was occurring again, almost like a panic attack. I some what panicked when my eyes shot open and I kicked my bag that I had placed next to the couch, D’s note fell out of the bag. I focused in on it and my breathing seemed to slow down again as I picked it up. I started to unfold it and every crease seemed to be more of a contrast than usual.
Her writing was readable, simple, but large, it flowed easily but had a sense of personality to it, if writing was able to have personality that is. It was almost like her writing spoke for who she was…
“JADE!” I heard her voice scream my name.
“I saw you at the party the other night; we always seem to end up at the same place!”
D and I usually attend the same parties, hang out with the same people, but never got too close. My mind focused again on her words.
“I don’t understand why you and I never seem to party together directly though. I think this needs to happen. I know you know the same guy as I do, I seen you guys disappear together. Don’t worry, that’s all fine and kept secretly away in my mind. Honestly, we just need to seriously get trashed together and sometime soon! You seem like someone I definitely need to get to know and I can’t wait for you to hit me up. Anytime, almost every night something is going down, just get a hold of me.”
Then at the bottom she left her number and signed her name, simply “D”.
My eyes followed the curve of the D down to the end of the paper, and I folded it back and felt every crease as it was going back, little had I known Jen was standing there the whole time.
“Are you even paying attention right now?” Jen asked me.
My head raised and at that moment my phone rang.
“Sorry Jen, I got to take this,” I responded to save my own ass.
I walked out of the building and sat on the same bench Danny and I had sat on the night before.
“Hello!” I answered.
“Jade Baby…”
“Michael…”
My hand crept behind my neck and I began to itch it nervously.
“I thought I wouldn’t hear from you again until you finally got back into town? Is something wrong? Or are you just not coming back and this is your call to let me know that?” I spoke with words of poison.
“Ouch babe, why you got to talk to me like that. I know I did you wrong, but you know I wouldn’t do you wrong intentionally. Seriously, I looked you directly into those dark brown eyes of yours and told you I loved you and I meant it every time I said it, and I still do mean it,” he said in a gentle tone.
I signed, got up and began to pace around.
“I know that sigh babe, I know you are doubting me, I know you aren’t going to believe me, until I’m there but…”
“But what?” I interjected, “Honestly Michael, you say you are coming back, so when you are coming back? And if you are coming back, what is going to happen?”
He seemed caught off guard; I was never one to get hostile with him.
“I don’t know exactly when, but I know I am; besides I want to surprise you. And when I get there I think you’ll realize how much we need to be together, and it’s going to happen. I won’t leave you again.”
On those last words of his, I clearly understood that I was no where near high enough to be able to handle all of this. I stated that I had to go and that I would talk to him later. I knew he could tell by the tone of my voice that he knew not all of me believed him. I sat back on the bench with my face in my hands.
At that moment, it was like a sign from above; Danny came walking up towards the building where both of us lived. He poked me and when I didn’t respond he shook me a bit. My head slowly rose up, only a bit, and my eyes peered at him.
“Been busy since you got back eh?” he inquired.
I knew he could tell from the sleepy look that had formed over my eyes. I let out a slight chuckle, leaned back, and then responded with a smirk upon my face.
“I guess you could say that, but at the same time not nearly enough.”
At that point my facial expressions had changed from the normal intoxicated expression into a look that Danny could tell was me not enjoying my current state of mind. He looked at me and jerked his head as a “lets go” kind of motion, without any words exchanged I follow him to his car.
“I know this will put you in a better mood,” Danny said to me.
My head went from being relaxed and hanging downward to peering up in curiosity when I heard the music of a band that gave me a sweet escape. I was engulfed in the sound until I heard coughing and smelled that familiar scent once again. Danny tapped me and handed me just what I needed. As I heard the click of the lighter and seen the flame light my way into happiness, I heard a sweet symphony in the background…
..”Today is the day that I will smoke it all away. That I will toke it all away. That I will blow it all away. Today is the day that I will be happier to say that I am living day to day and that’s the way I hope’d it’d be….”

I'm A Teenage Girl.

I have emotions.

I get angry, I get jealous, I get pissed. I'll want to lash out against those who hurt me. However, I'll hold it in, Ill keep my mouth shut.

Eventually I'll break down. I cry, I'm not a complete hardass. Maybe some people don't believe I feel. I'm the one with the smile on my face, even if inside im dying. I'm the one who will act like everything is okay, and release everything when I'm on my own. I let go of my problems in my own way, but then again they never really leave me. they are a part of who I am, your experiences are you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a happy outgoing person looking to live life to the fullest. However, sometimes i care to much, I open my heart and it gets twisted bent and manuvered in so many directions that I lose control. Its a puzzle that I get entrapped in and I can't figure my way; a maze if you will.

I guess I'm looking for that one person to completely understand where I'm coming from, but I guess sometimes I don't even know where I'm coming from; why the feelings I feel are there even when I don't want them to be. When my heart goes into something, it is my whole heart and nothing less. That's where I get screwed.

But dammit, I can't let everything roll off my shoulders and shrug it off and carry on. I'll act like i am, smile, crack a joke, keep on living. Life goes on right? I guess that could be a solution to all problems, no matter what everything will carry on..

But once again I feel so deeply sometimes Its hard to contain it. My mind becomes this bipolar state and sometimes I think I'm so fucked up in the head that everyone else is in this box and I'm standing on the outside going 'wtf', for once a Norm for me would be good. I breath, I sleep, I eat, I bleed. I take my day as it comes and I put my pants on one leg at a time. I go through shit other people go through, just in other variations and them with their own variations. But Dammit....

I'm Human.

Big Girls Don't Cry..

When growing up Girls intend to hear a few phrases.
"Big girls don't cry."
"A way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
"Wait for the right one"
"No boy is worth crying over..."
"he's not worth it."
But sometimes your emotions get the best of you. You get so emotional over time as you hold feelings in, trying to be that one that smiles. then it piles on and piles on. At one point you break. I'll come back to this..

So that whole "way to a man's heart crap.." is exactly crap. So many times women get a guy through what? you just can't figure it out. So many antics work on one guy but perhaps not another. Your :bait: just might not hold the line like it should, then what happens?

Moving on...

Wait for the right one.. how do we know who is the right one? What if you believe in your heart you believe he is the right one, but he doesn't feel that way. Who is to say what is right? Our minds seem to contrl the ideas our heart portrays sometimes, but others you are completely lost on. If one heart felt different from another, then all we would have to hope for is a positive + negative equaling a positive.

"No boy is worth crying over." So i was to believe this for quite sometime, but here time and time over a tear falls embeded with that boy's name in its water drops. You control it, you don't let it control you. But then there is an event, certain situation, where you lose it. Or it is the false belief you truly tell yourself that you are getting over him, moving on, trying to find the guy you were told over and over that "you deserve", carrying on with new thoughts. Either way, something makes those emotions pop, come alive, and those who you believed were at rest more vibrant and awake before.

You told yourself you won't cry over him with the same cliche "he's not worth it" .
But doesn't this set in with the same subject of no boy is worth crying over? Who is to decide he is not worth it. You may seem those other qualities that no one else sees, you notice the small details no one even bothers caring about paying attention to. They don't know what you need in life, who need there by yourside. That hopless romantic on the same page for you, the one you would wait for regardless of the situation.

But I guess in the end we are all just a bunch of silly girls living in that Fairy Tale Prince era. Some of us let our hearts guide us regardless of how many wrong directions it takes you, even when you want to hate it for guiding you to that one boy who is just different, who you know you don't deserve, because then it truly would be a fairy tale....and we are told those arn't real...

But what if we do believe?